I had a laugh receiving this text today. Seriously? REALLY? I literally begged. You ghosted. I moved on. And then now?
his reason was “just being honest” and he thought that would work on me 😂 bastard!
Please, stay with me. Don’t leave me… I beg you. Please.
I wouldn’t forget using these words. With eyes filled with tears, voice being raspy, and heart being broken. It had been my desperate move. Because I was scared. Because I thought I would die, it just felt like one. Because I hoped and tried. Because I couldn’t just give up…
And because I loved.
I have been running away from my thoughts of this. Of the past that I know is still living in the present as long as I carry it with me. It’s something I can’t do anything anymore. Sadly, it is. And that made me crazier one step higher. It shouldn’t be like that. Love shouldn’t be like that.
Because again, I will say this. Love is gentle. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is forgiving. Love is not toxic. With the right person at the right time, love shouldn’t hurt. Sure it isn’t easy, but it shouldn’t feel like dying.
If it does, maybe it isn’t love.
Maybe it was just an overwhelming feeling of affection and care for a short period of time. Maybe it was just a lesson to learn, so it makes us better and wiser. Maybe it was just a temporary lick of happiness. Maybe it is all of that, and not love at all.
Because at present, it made me hard to believe when someone shows affection. It made me cautious of every intention and every word. I’ve become so guarded of my heart, doubtful and hesitant. It has to be earned now, because if I won’t give restraints, I’ll end up drowning in my ocean of tears again.
If there’s something I would not give easily again, it will be my trust and my pride. Begging is just something I won’t be doing anymore. I know the taste, and the aftertaste. And the result as well. So as long as I’m thinking straight and I’m thinking from the mind & not from the heart, it won’t happen again.
Congratulations to my cousin and his wife! It was really heartwarming to see the love in their eyes. I didn’t imagine to feel so warm despite the bitterness running in my body. Lol!
Sharing to everyone the cuteness of the groomsmen’s attire. They were really really cute in their suspenders and little black bowties. 🙂
Rejections are fucking punch in the gut! And it never felt good. I feel so little. There is always this question of why, what’s wrong with me?
By family, most of the times by friends, by someone you love. You keep on trying but it usually ends up with rejections.
I’ve told this a lot of times in here. Writing helps me in a way to calm my thoughts. And whenever I need to vent out, I usually go to my “Notes” section in my cellphone and rant away. Just about anything. About everything.
Lately, I’ve been in a tide of silence. Of total stillness. I don’t like to write anymore. Why? I honestly don’t know. There isn’t anything I want to feel. So I skipped that need.
And then, I just found myself scanning the ‘notes’ I saved from the past months. And I would share in here the only one post I needed to re-read in order to feel something again. Like making me feel everything.
Hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, or maybe you found someone more interesting to talk with. So I am doing this. For my own peace of mind. I am an overly sensitive person, and it made me restless thinking why you’ve lost the time or interest in talking to me. I just always think you were busy, but it didn’t help. It hurt me and broke my heart. So to save all the good “moments” I have of you, let me do this please.
Let me remember you with our first talk about skydiving. About how much you hate it but you’d do it with me. Let me remember that night when we talked about snow and beaches, of our 12 hr time difference, and of your dilated doll eyes I really adore. Let me remember the breakfast in bed, my favorite cheese omelette, the head massage, and your hilarious drunken moments! Let me remember how a sexy plumber was. And how kinesiology has something to do with it. And during those days that I was in the hospital with my brother, thank you for helping me get through it, day & night. And remember the silly get-to-know-you game? I loved everything I learned about you. Let me remember you that you were something else, that you might be someone different. And the all day cuddling idea. The big & small spoon. The getting married and having 2-3 children. The late night or early morning chats. I loved them all. All of it! Thank you for being the sweet, caring, thoughtful, jolly, funny and very lovable person that you are.
I don’t know why I am doing this, I just have issues with people leaving me behind. And I don’t want to add you in that pile of people. So I will remember all the good times before it all fades away. I’m very happy to know you, very happy. And although I wish to know you more, I think it’s best to just let it go. I can’t force you to do the same with me or to spend same time I spent for you. I won’t. That effort is something we can’t force.
I’m sorry. I’m not good at being casual. I really wish you’d be happy and successful in your life! Please say anything, just anything. For my peace of mind. Just anything. Thank you, J! You are an awesome person!
I’m so scared.
And tears just came rushing down my face. And I am still scared.