Posted in self, Uncategorized

The Silence

It gave me peace, yes. The silence. It lets me evaluate myself thoroughly. Gave me the absolute time I needed to examine this and that. I loved it. The silence.

I had to do it… It helped me on purpose to shut up and put things into its place. I had to. And miraculously enough it always works. It detaches me from things I shouldn’t be attached with on the first place. It always works. I hate to call it this way because it sounds so absurd, but it became my “defense mechanism” a long time ago.

I still have too many thoughts to think about. But at the monent, I don’t have the energy to think of it. Fuck it! I’d just enjoy my silence until I’m no longer intoxicated and drained. This world is full of nightmares. 

For the mean time, silence is normal. Silence is safe. And I’m not going anywhere but to keep it that way!


Posted in Broken, Uncategorized

Taste of my own medicine

I’m staring at the sky. There are many twinkling stars. It’s vast and endless, full of possibilities, serene. Despite the darkness, I find peace whenever I look up on the sky. It’s just beautiful. Unlike me.

How would it feel to share this moment with someone important to you? I’m staring at the stars, questioning their beauty. How is it possible that I’m million miles away but they captivated me? How is it not possible for me to look for something like that down here? Sitting on the grass, hugging my knees to my heart as I stare at the brightest star: I’m terribly lost. I just realized tears fell down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt heavy, in my head and my heart. 

I’ve never felt this alone in my whole life. As much as I want someone to hold me right now and bring my pieces together saying it’s gonna be alright, there’s nobody ready for me. How does it feel, to hold someone’s hand when they’re afraid and hopeless? How does it feel, to embrace them in your arms, protecting them from the pain they are feeling? How does it all feel? I never knew the feeling.

The stars, the sky, the coldness of the breeze, the darkness of the night. I’m still crying. I thought it’s about peace and serenity and solidarity, but why do I feel bad being alone?

Posted in Uncategorized

Sweetest downfall


Sweetest downfall. Famous words from Samson by Regina Spektor. As I am preparing to bed, my shuffle playlist hit this song. I stopped immediately in the familiarity of the lyrics. 

Oh, I cut his hair myself one night… and he told me that I’d done alright. My sweetest downfall.

I don’t like to interpret the song itself for there are multiple explanations you can find in the internet. But this particular stanzas hit me hard, deep down my heart and brain.

Love is a lot of sacrifice. For Samson, whose strengths come from that strand of hair which Delilah chose to cut obeying her race, it didn’t matter. She had done alright cutting his hair, because it’s no difference being with her, he always feels weak.

I don’t know, I just like this song so much. I think that’s how we should love. Very bold and not afraid despite betrayal… because when love is pure, it recognizes pain. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

Off to bed.

C, N ❀️

Posted in Uncategorized

How I want to remember you…

People come and go, that’s an established fact. We can’t force people to stay in our life no matter how much we need them, or care for them, or love them. The inevitable change will always be there, for better or for worse.

Although we don’t have a choice when people leave us, what we can choose is how we will remember them. And right now, I chose to remember my memories of you when I first knew and met you rather than choosing how you broke me into million pieces.

I would remember how you call me, or how your voice sounded when you say my name. I would remember how you grab my excess fats on my side and play with them until you tickle me and I’m dying laughing I almost pee. I would remember the wrinkles between your eyebrows when you think too much, those lines I want to kiss away and soften because it always looks so stiff. I want to remember your smiles when you know I’m hiding food from you. I want to remember your comforting hugs when I’m having my bad days, and remember you once, and by once I really mean only once, told me how happy you were I’m staying. (Not sure though if in your life or what)

I’d like to remember you for all those good and happy memories I collected rather than choosing how you break my heart, and how devastating it was when you left.

Because I know the scars would be hard to heal but it is as hard to just throw these memories of you. Remember when you made me promise that one nightmare moments not to ever forget about you? We even pinky sweared. The funny thing now is I didn’t ask you to promise the same thing. Hell, I just assumed you meant same thing because why would you want me to remember you if you don’t want same thing with me? But now I realized, I never made you promise so it’s pretty fair if you forgot about me. Sadly.

And it’s fine. Because I am learning from all of this… from all of you. There will come a time that I would no longer wonder how you are, what are you doing, did you sleep well or are you skipping meals again… I would stop thinking and caring, and remembering you.

But right now, this is how I want to remember you. My sweet & kind guy, almost mine but never did.


Posted in Uncategorized

Set me free

I don’t know how long it had been. 3 months? 4 months? I think longer than that. But the pain feels like it was just yesterday. It still lingers, you know? It’s just there, never gone. Never healed.

If it was my fault to stop because I don’t want to give my all-in anymore in trade of the crumbs of you, I would not regret this mistake.  Maybe the problem is in me; when I care, I care too much. When I give, I give too much. When I love, I love too much to the point of nothing left for me. I thought it was all fine for me that what you can give is just crumbs of you. I understand that I wasn’t your priority. Never had been. I totally understand that.

But that night, I didn’t anymore. I started to ask myself why am I allowing this. I started to think am I not deserving to be chased? Then there I started to cry, I remember how chest tightening that night was…of how little I felt of myself, of how I devalued myself chasing for someone I hoped would appreciate me, of how stupid and blind I am to think it was love.

The saddest thing I heard from you is when you said yes you deserve to be chased, I totally think you are. But sorry, I don’t chase. It hit me, hard. I can’t think of anything to say but just my plain I always knew, for that thank you. And it ended there. 

What was I? Nothing. Worthless girl you just met. Just a girl you can talk to anytime you need her. A girl who would drive to you at 2am because you said you had that nightmare again. A girl who would skip her work to take care of you because you are sick. I thought she was okay with that, never a priority, just a girl.

But she woke up from all these craps and finally felt the pain of not appreciating her. And because of that, I was freed, I am free… and for once, I feel I deserved to be chased.

C ❀️

Posted in Uncategorized

Tell me…

So I came into this Facebook post last night and it hit me hard. It’s literally painful in my chest with this “tell me why you keep messaging me every now and then; tell me what it means”

Tell me what it means. Ha, yes. It’s the most needed part – clarification. But honestly, isn’t it true that you’re into someone if you keep on checking him/her out? Or is it just me assuming that when you keep on messaging someone, it means you always think of him/her? 

I don’t know. But for me that’s the case. So… I need some clarification.

Full credits on picture.

Posted in Uncategorized

Whilst it lasts?

Love is a scary thing. Sure it’s a happy feeling, but it is scary. I think love is not built for the weak at heart, for people scared to take risks, but for people who would take a leap of faith.

They say, it feels good to be in loved. But it is a hell of loops and turns in roller coaster ride. The question is, would you just be there while it lasts? Or runaway when it’s over?

I’ve read an article and also watchef a short vid about these exes, who after 7 years of relationship broke up, and accepted the offer of seeing each other again and talk to each other about what happened to them. It’s a pain to watch, my heart was hurt. But there was this one question that made me think a little longer and it goes like this:

The girl asked “why would you want to be friends with your ex?”

And the guy answered “because I miss you”.

Yes, 7 years. I could really see that the girl was still upset over their issues, but so as the guy. They are both hurt, they are each other’s wrecked ship, but because I know deep inside the love is still there, they could still look in each other’s eyes and say the most sincere things. I envy that capability.

Why can’t we just forget the people we care about that easy? Why do we still think of them from time to time? Why do we linger and remember?

Love requires a lot of understanding and patience and acceptance. All the pain and sacrifices and effort will all be worth it if we only just believe in it and take a leap of faith.
So to you, 

I would just leave my little message here… I never stopped, never in a second. It’s still you, but I would get through this, I know I can. I know I don’t have the capability to unlove you, but I’m trying my very best. It’s just a pang in my heart when I know that’s not what I deserved. Someday, it would go away… But please let me enjoy whilst it lasts.