Posted in Broken, Soul Searching

Not Again 😞

My body is still shaking. And I am really, really scared inside. My mind has too many thoughts. But this time, I didn’t cry. I hope I did so I could release some of the tension but I didn’t cry.

Yesterday, the car that I bought for myself as a birthday present was already delivered to us. I’ve been waiting for it the whole time. Yesterday was the happiest day. Do I usually drive? Nope. Do I know how to drive? Yes, but still in the process of learning.

And today, I did bump the car at our neighbor’s gate. My newly bought car. My dad is with me, he would teach me again on how to drive and familiarize myself with the car. We didn’t get hurt. 

But the car? It’s awful that it is new. I already put dents, scratches and removed painting at the lower portion of the front hood. 

My heart was racing after the crash. Dad was furious. I am really, really scared. I ran to the kitched and prepared hot water, trying to minimize the dents as what we’ve seen in the internet. It did help. But the scratches & removed painting wouldn’t be much resolved.

And now, Dad & my brother brought the car to the mechanic. It wasn’t intentional, I swear I should have stepped on the break, but I did on the accelerator. And that car is a Manual Transmission. I should have bought the Automatic Transmission… 

but, it is there and I couldn’t do anything about it but to face it and pay the damages I made. Besides, it is mine. I will pay for it no matter what. 

I hope I could get over it as soon as possible and will be able to hold the steering wheel again. I really hope I do. And I hope I could cry over it. But writing this down helped me. It sucks.

And oh, I should have posted a better writing about dream come true- of having a car on my own. And summing up my birthday celebration. All of it was good. 
But I’m the worst!

Posted in self

Vitamin Sea


No, I am not your definition of sexy. But yes, I love my body. Not ashamed of my shape. Why should I? It doesn’t define me as a person anyway. 

Posted in Broken

Rough Road

No. I’m not okay. And I don’t need to be understood now, I’m tired of searching for it. People have a hard time understanding me, I know that. Can’t help it, I feel alone. 

It’s not okay. It feels terrible. It’s freaking sad. I wish I could do something about it. Yes, I feel alone. And I swear I am making ways to fight up. Just sometimes I run out of bullets…

So let me write it down in here. Let me speak, hear me out. Don’t criticize. I need to vent out. I feel like exploding. My real friends are busy, and I don’t like to ask them for another nonesense emotional breakdown. I don’t talk about emotional stuff with Mom. Yes, pathetic. I feel alone. 

I thought I will get used to that feeling, of being alone. But sometimes, it’s good to have someone who you can share your thoughts with. Someone who will listen. Someone who will care. Pffft. Nonesense.

I wish for more colors tomorrow. 

Posted in Battlefield, Broken

Closure

That’s all I needed. Until I know what I needed, it won’t end. The pain. The healing. The closure. It wraps everything and put things in order. If I need to get over it, I have to hear its end. Because I could never really get going and move on if I won’t face the end. 

Closure. I never knew it was all I needed. Not until now. And it helps. A lot.

Posted in Broken

Okay?

I made a mistake here. And it’s not that easy to admit that. I will keep it short. Attachments are dangerous things. And whether I like it or not, there is an attraction always pulling me in. But there isn’t any repellant! And I always ended up being hurt or used. Not a good feeling. It’s not happiness. It can’t always be like that, few sweet messages leading to constant exchange of words leading to hourly conversations leading to everyday checking in. It’s dangerous. 

I guess, for the guys out there, just to be fair, don’t act like someone who cares when you don’t mean to stay. Don’t keep her hopes up. Don’t lead her the wrong way. Don’t. Just don’t.

And for the girls out there, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW IT! You do. You just hope it would change as time goes by. You hope it would be something more, something “different“. Well I will tell you, you don’t have to figure it out. There are only two choices: he likes you or he likes you not. So snap out of it. It is not happiness.