Posted in Battlefield, self

My Naked Truths

My heart is breaking. And I’d better not tell it right now but I need to. Again, for my selfish reasons but writing is therapeutic for me. It really helps me.

My heart is breaking. For a friend. And I know he doesn’t need my concern right now. He doesn’t need my words or my comforts or my presence. But I still want to give them. It will be laid in here so hold yourself because this will be the very first time that I’d be talking about only you because my thoughts for today were all about you.

My heart is breaking. Because I can’t help. I wish I reached out as early as I noticed but the fact that I am not someone you needed hindered me. I never wanted to creep you out ever because I value whatever connection we have for each other. And sometimes, your coldness tells me to stop or go away or “not today” so I’ll play “Whatever, do what you want, I don’t even care”.

My heart is breaking. It’s a lie if I don’t care. I cared ever since before that accident that I even wrote my feelings in Filipino so you won’t feel awkward because you won’t understand it. But that’s all about you. I laid myself there, scared and terrified something might happen to you. Why did I do that? I don’t know. It’s a feeling that’s so familiar but naming and recognizing it will jeopardize the situation, so I kept all of these in me because I can’t let you go.

My heart is breaking, because of all the things happening to you. And because you saw things differently now it hurts so much to know. You are the person that I admire, through your ups and downs. You helped me sort myself. And I admire all your pasts, whether a good or a bad one. Because you are an amazing person. You deserve to be loved. And you taught me that without even realizing that you were teaching it. You are that person I told my friends about, because believe it or not, at some point in my life I fell in love with your words. 

Because you told the world that women aren’t transitional to you. That if you say you have feelings for her, thought about her, dream about her, need to have her body or to touch her and actually feel her… that you care for her… she is those words. Your words and your thoughts. You.

It lingers in me for a long time. How a person can love so deep that I fell in love with your words since then. But I know just at to what extent. And I’m already satisfied with the connection I have with you because if it’s all I can get? I won’t complain. It’s all gonna be worth it.

I never told you this, but if I could have a lover someday, I want it to be someone like you. Because I could never imagine someone could love a person more than you do. 

Please don’t think less of yourself because in someone else’s life, you are so much more. More than you can imagine.

And yes, my heart is still breaking. 

Posted in Battlefield, Broken, self

Lost


Would you chase me even if I walked out now? Would you still want me if I already gave up? 

This time, I’m not looking back. I’ve had enough of my own foolishness, stabbing myself with my own grief. I’m done with all of it. Again, I won’t look back.

I thought I can’t do it. With your hot-and-cold-games I’ve been playing since then, I finally raised my flag and planned my retreat. Enough is enough. There is no more piece left to be broken. 

It was your choice to walk away too. It was my choice to put an end to it. It was our mutual choices to stop it there. I said all the words I want to say before going. Your part remained silent until today in which I totally get, no words needed to know what you mean. I didn’t get a reaction because you were too eager to get your bag packed and leave… at least that’s what it seems to me. 

The first night was like hell. I literally cried myself to sleep and I hated every time I woke up in between because I fucking feel the pain I don’t feel when I’m passed out. It gave me the hard time but hey, I got enough of it. And days and nights after felt exactly like the first without improvement. 

But this day, it’s about time to let it go. It’s about time to stop all the games you played from the beginning. If there’s one important thing to point out here, it is to put my own value first before anybody else. I accepted the fact that you won’t chase after me. You will never ever pull me closer. You won’t stop me from ultimately looking away.

And for the last time, I am doing the same. This is the choice I’m most proud I chose. 

Posted in self

Vitamin Sea


No, I am not your definition of sexy. But yes, I love my body. Not ashamed of my shape. Why should I? It doesn’t define me as a person anyway. 

Posted in Broken

Rough Road

No. I’m not okay. And I don’t need to be understood now, I’m tired of searching for it. People have a hard time understanding me, I know that. Can’t help it, I feel alone. 

It’s not okay. It feels terrible. It’s freaking sad. I wish I could do something about it. Yes, I feel alone. And I swear I am making ways to fight up. Just sometimes I run out of bullets…

So let me write it down in here. Let me speak, hear me out. Don’t criticize. I need to vent out. I feel like exploding. My real friends are busy, and I don’t like to ask them for another nonesense emotional breakdown. I don’t talk about emotional stuff with Mom. Yes, pathetic. I feel alone. 

I thought I will get used to that feeling, of being alone. But sometimes, it’s good to have someone who you can share your thoughts with. Someone who will listen. Someone who will care. Pffft. Nonesense.

I wish for more colors tomorrow. 

Posted in Battlefield, Broken

Closure

That’s all I needed. Until I know what I needed, it won’t end. The pain. The healing. The closure. It wraps everything and put things in order. If I need to get over it, I have to hear its end. Because I could never really get going and move on if I won’t face the end. 

Closure. I never knew it was all I needed. Not until now. And it helps. A lot.

Posted in Broken

Okay?

I made a mistake here. And it’s not that easy to admit that. I will keep it short. Attachments are dangerous things. And whether I like it or not, there is an attraction always pulling me in. But there isn’t any repellant! And I always ended up being hurt or used. Not a good feeling. It’s not happiness. It can’t always be like that, few sweet messages leading to constant exchange of words leading to hourly conversations leading to everyday checking in. It’s dangerous. 

I guess, for the guys out there, just to be fair, don’t act like someone who cares when you don’t mean to stay. Don’t keep her hopes up. Don’t lead her the wrong way. Don’t. Just don’t.

And for the girls out there, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW IT! You do. You just hope it would change as time goes by. You hope it would be something more, something “different“. Well I will tell you, you don’t have to figure it out. There are only two choices: he likes you or he likes you not. So snap out of it. It is not happiness.