Posted in writing

She Was This Scared

I’ve told this a lot of times in here. Writing helps me in a way to calm my thoughts. And whenever I need to vent out, I usually go to my “Notes” section in my cellphone and rant away. Just about anything. About everything.

Lately, I’ve been in a tide of silence. Of total stillness. I don’t like to write anymore. Why? I honestly don’t know. There isn’t anything I want to feel. So I skipped that need.

And then, I just found myself scanning the ‘notes’ I saved from the past months. And I would share in here the only one post I needed to re-read in order to feel something again. Like making me feel everything. 

Hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, or maybe you found someone more interesting to talk with. So I am doing this. For my own peace of mind. I am an overly sensitive person, and it made me restless thinking why you’ve lost the time or interest in talking to me. I just always think you were busy, but it didn’t help. It hurt me and broke my heart. So to save all the good “moments” I have of you, let me do this please. 

Let me remember you with our first talk about skydiving. About how much you hate it but you’d do it with me. Let me remember that night when we talked about snow and beaches, of our 12 hr time difference, and of your dilated doll eyes I really adore. Let me remember the breakfast in bed, my favorite cheese omelette, the head massage, and your hilarious drunken moments! Let me remember how a sexy plumber was. And how kinesiology has something to do with it. And during those days that I was in the hospital with my brother, thank you for helping me get through it, day & night. And remember the silly get-to-know-you game? I loved everything I learned about you. Let me remember you that you were something else, that you might be someone different. And the all day cuddling idea. The big & small spoon. The getting married and having 2-3 children. The late night or early morning chats. I loved them all. All of it! Thank you for being the sweet, caring, thoughtful, jolly, funny and very lovable person that you are. 

I don’t know why I am doing this, I just have issues with people leaving me behind. And I don’t want to add you in that pile of people. So I will remember all the good times before it all fades away. I’m very happy to know you, very happy. And although I wish to know you more, I think it’s best to just let it go. I can’t force you to do the same with me or to spend same time I spent for you. I won’t. That effort is something we can’t force. 
I’m sorry. I’m not good at being casual. I really wish you’d be happy and successful in your life! Please say anything, just anything. For my peace of mind. Just anything. Thank you, J! You are an awesome person! 
I’m so scared.

And tears just came rushing down my face. And I am still scared.

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Author:

Well. This is, for most of the time, the hardest part to fill in. Maybe because I am not the type of person who loves to talk about herself. But in this site you can read the pieces of my life, my ups and downs, my victories and defeats. This is the only outlet where my brain can team up with my heart. For everyone who can't construct the words in the clouds of life. Happy reading! ❀️

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