Rejections are fucking punch in the gut! And it never felt good. I feel so little. There is always this question of why, what’s wrong with me?
By family, most of the times by friends, by someone you love. You keep on trying but it usually ends up with rejections.
I’ve told this a lot of times in here. Writing helps me in a way to calm my thoughts. And whenever I need to vent out, I usually go to my “Notes” section in my cellphone and rant away. Just about anything. About everything.
Lately, I’ve been in a tide of silence. Of total stillness. I don’t like to write anymore. Why? I honestly don’t know. There isn’t anything I want to feel. So I skipped that need.
And then, I just found myself scanning the ‘notes’ I saved from the past months. And I would share in here the only one post I needed to re-read in order to feel something again. Like making me feel everything.
Hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, or maybe you found someone more interesting to talk with. So I am doing this. For my own peace of mind. I am an overly sensitive person, and it made me restless thinking why you’ve lost the time or interest in talking to me. I just always think you were busy, but it didn’t help. It hurt me and broke my heart. So to save all the good “moments” I have of you, let me do this please.
Let me remember you with our first talk about skydiving. About how much you hate it but you’d do it with me. Let me remember that night when we talked about snow and beaches, of our 12 hr time difference, and of your dilated doll eyes I really adore. Let me remember the breakfast in bed, my favorite cheese omelette, the head massage, and your hilarious drunken moments! Let me remember how a sexy plumber was. And how kinesiology has something to do with it. And during those days that I was in the hospital with my brother, thank you for helping me get through it, day & night. And remember the silly get-to-know-you game? I loved everything I learned about you. Let me remember you that you were something else, that you might be someone different. And the all day cuddling idea. The big & small spoon. The getting married and having 2-3 children. The late night or early morning chats. I loved them all. All of it! Thank you for being the sweet, caring, thoughtful, jolly, funny and very lovable person that you are.
I don’t know why I am doing this, I just have issues with people leaving me behind. And I don’t want to add you in that pile of people. So I will remember all the good times before it all fades away. I’m very happy to know you, very happy. And although I wish to know you more, I think it’s best to just let it go. I can’t force you to do the same with me or to spend same time I spent for you. I won’t. That effort is something we can’t force.
I’m sorry. I’m not good at being casual. I really wish you’d be happy and successful in your life! Please say anything, just anything. For my peace of mind. Just anything. Thank you, J! You are an awesome person!
I’m so scared.
And tears just came rushing down my face. And I am still scared.
Quietly. Patiently. Hopefully.
The silence that yells millions of decibels. That I call, the waiting game.
I haven’t had enough sleep in the past few days. Tired, really tired. It’s not that I am asking for it, or looking for it. Maybe, I just did hope for it. Can’t help to expect.
My brother had dengue fever. We rushed him to the hospital with a dangerously dropping platelets count. I’ve been the only one watching for him at night, I barely slept. At the sound of knob turning, I easily got alarmed. With nurses and medtechs going in and out of the room, I felt restless. He’s okay, will be discharged today, goodness!
And the world still evolves around the sun. I can see that. With me being gone? No, thank you. The trees don’t care. Perhaps you’re not as important as the water, or the sun, or the carbon dioxide to proceed with the photosynthesis. You see that?
My heart breaks for that fact. I’ve been waiting for it to come. Well, I know now I’m not what I was told. Words, really, are meaningless and worthless. And if it’s for intentionally hurting me? Well congratulations!!! You pull the right trigger.
Trusting the fake people, loving the wrong ones. It’s suffocating.
It’s so good to find your smiles again. So goood! Although my ground is still shaky, I’m not afraid anymore.
The process is still a long way to go, for now, I’d be starting with just the smiles. ❤️😁