“Don’t get mad at me. I’m not pushing you away. If it is anything, that’s me running away from the world.”
I’m trying to stay still… but the ground is too shaky.
I’m scared. I’m hurt. I’m not okay. And I don’t blame anyone. Not even myself. I just let myself feel what she has to feel. Let life take its greed. Of me and my emotions.
Three days ago, Mark & I talked, for the last time. It was what I needed. Our closure. Although the words were those I don’t even want to hear, I let him say everything he wanted to say. I’ve been avoiding my thoughts for three days… I neglected the need of my mind to process everything. I tried to escape. But here I am today, doing the thing that calms me.
And I’m not gonna lie. I’m still heartbroken as fuck! But this time, it feels a little lighter.
He said too many things for the first time. After a month of ghosting, I didn’t expect him to have that kind of thinking. Like, he needed the month away from me just to think clearly. I’m glad for that. I needed to know anyway. Why he left me, and why he chose to keep it that way.
He said he was scared. That I’m too good for him, that he’s never been good enough. That I’m too much of everything, he couldn’t handle me. He specifically said I have too much love to give and he didn’t know how to accommodate it all. By this time, I was already crying. I’m silently listening to him. And through phone call he knew I was crying. And he said sorry over and over again.
And by the time that I could regain my voice to speak again, all I said was “you were perfect for me”. I had to bite my lips just not to cry loudly. And there I heard him sob. And sniff. And his breathing was shaky. That I couldn’t bear. He was crying. I let him feel it, for the last time. 5 minutes had passed, 10 minutes- he wasn’t still speaking. 15 minutes, after a long sigh, he spoke again. His words were like tiny needles poking my heart, over and over again. He said “I love you but I don’t deserve your love”.
I think he doesn’t mean it.
Of all the things he said, saying goodbye hurt the most. And I think hearing him say it is what I needed. That means it’s over, it’s the end, it won’t progress.
It means stop. And I definitely will.