And please tell me to stop wandering around whenever this mind and this heart are in trouble. 😂😂😂
I’d be living a life with broken pockets, but at least, I won’t be living a life with a broken heart. So this will be me… happy and free!
“Don’t get mad at me. I’m not pushing you away. If it is anything, that’s me running away from the world.”
I’m trying to stay still… but the ground is too shaky.
I’m scared. I’m hurt. I’m not okay. And I don’t blame anyone. Not even myself. I just let myself feel what she has to feel. Let life take its greed. Of me and my emotions.
Three days ago, Mark & I talked, for the last time. It was what I needed. Our closure. Although the words were those I don’t even want to hear, I let him say everything he wanted to say. I’ve been avoiding my thoughts for three days… I neglected the need of my mind to process everything. I tried to escape. But here I am today, doing the thing that calms me.
And I’m not gonna lie. I’m still heartbroken as fuck! But this time, it feels a little lighter.
He said too many things for the first time. After a month of ghosting, I didn’t expect him to have that kind of thinking. Like, he needed the month away from me just to think clearly. I’m glad for that. I needed to know anyway. Why he left me, and why he chose to keep it that way.
He said he was scared. That I’m too good for him, that he’s never been good enough. That I’m too much of everything, he couldn’t handle me. He specifically said I have too much love to give and he didn’t know how to accommodate it all. By this time, I was already crying. I’m silently listening to him. And through phone call he knew I was crying. And he said sorry over and over again.
And by the time that I could regain my voice to speak again, all I said was “you were perfect for me”. I had to bite my lips just not to cry loudly. And there I heard him sob. And sniff. And his breathing was shaky. That I couldn’t bear. He was crying. I let him feel it, for the last time. 5 minutes had passed, 10 minutes- he wasn’t still speaking. 15 minutes, after a long sigh, he spoke again. His words were like tiny needles poking my heart, over and over again. He said “I love you but I don’t deserve your love”.
I think he doesn’t mean it.
Of all the things he said, saying goodbye hurt the most. And I think hearing him say it is what I needed. That means it’s over, it’s the end, it won’t progress.
It means stop. And I definitely will.
Every pain. Every tear. Every heartache. Love drained me out.
Because this heart grew tired.
And broken. Torn. Shattered.
Over and over again.
Because I was told I am special.
And loved. Nothing else. Period.
Where are you?
I have no other option here. Suicide is not something that would kick in me and trigger me. Never in my life. So I suppose, this is what I am left with- just to live.
Thoughts in my head are endless. For the last days I had nonstop heartaches and heartbreaks written raw every fucking time. I turned my page to private so the people who happened to hit the follow button won’t be upset with my ugly writings. I don’t want to drag anyone in same misery, I had to cope up on my own.
And you know what’s the most painful part? It’s the fact that I tried to reach out to people who always told me “I’d be here when you need me”, but no, they don’t. They don’t want to hear your pain, they don’t need to comfort your broken soul. These people. These I call my friends. Where were they when I needed them most?
No where. So I had to keep going and live my life, on my own. Just the holes of my nose above the water.
I needed the comfort. I needed the helping hand. I needed the hugs. I needed my friends. Then I came to the point, do I even have one? Question that I don’t want to answer.
I don’t need anyone anymore. Because that is living. And living it will be even if I am alone.
I don’t have the right to miss you right now but it’s killing me. I don’t know why. It’s like, my ears are itching to hear you laugh and talk for hours. And those eyes, they always hold me captive. I don’t know. But for that small span of time, I felt the connection. It was awkward at first and until the last day, but I know I liked the feeling. Of your scent, of your wavy blond hair, of your imperfect set of teeth but hey, those were pretty good on you. And the way you turn red every time you blush cause you were laughing so hard? That I guess is what I’m missing right now. It was a short period of time. Very short. And for those days, 3 nights in a row we set your itinerary so you could spend some more time in my hometown? It was something else.
And last night, when you closed the gate and told me “I’ll see you again, soon”, it made me happy for no reasons. I know the possibility is very small, but still, there’s a very little chance so I’m holding into it.
For now, I won’t say goodbye. I know I will see you soon. Till next time. And I hope it won’t be that awkward anymore.