My heart is breaking. And I’d better not tell it right now but I need to. Again, for my selfish reasons but writing is therapeutic for me. It really helps me.
My heart is breaking. For a friend. And I know he doesn’t need my concern right now. He doesn’t need my words or my comforts or my presence. But I still want to give them. It will be laid in here so hold yourself because this will be the very first time that I’d be talking about only you because my thoughts for today were all about you.
My heart is breaking. Because I can’t help. I wish I reached out as early as I noticed but the fact that I am not someone you needed hindered me. I never wanted to creep you out ever because I value whatever connection we have for each other. And sometimes, your coldness tells me to stop or go away or “not today” so I’ll play “Whatever, do what you want, I don’t even care”.
My heart is breaking. It’s a lie if I don’t care. I cared ever since before that accident that I even wrote my feelings in Filipino so you won’t feel awkward because you won’t understand it. But that’s all about you. I laid myself there, scared and terrified something might happen to you. Why did I do that? I don’t know. It’s a feeling that’s so familiar but naming and recognizing it will jeopardize the situation, so I kept all of these in me because I can’t let you go.
My heart is breaking, because of all the things happening to you. And because you saw things differently now it hurts so much to know. You are the person that I admire, through your ups and downs. You helped me sort myself. And I admire all your pasts, whether a good or a bad one. Because you are an amazing person. You deserve to be loved. And you taught me that without even realizing that you were teaching it. You are that person I told my friends about, because believe it or not, at some point in my life I fell in love with your words.
Because you told the world that women aren’t transitional to you. That if you say you have feelings for her, thought about her, dream about her, need to have her body or to touch her and actually feel her… that you care for her… she is those words. Your words and your thoughts. You.
It lingers in me for a long time. How a person can love so deep that I fell in love with your words since then. But I know just at to what extent. And I’m already satisfied with the connection I have with you because if it’s all I can get? I won’t complain. It’s all gonna be worth it.
I never told you this, but if I could have a lover someday, I want it to be someone like you. Because I could never imagine someone could love a person more than you do.
Please don’t think less of yourself because in someone else’s life, you are so much more. More than you can imagine.
And yes, my heart is still breaking.