Posted in Soul Searching

Done

For the last time.

I’m done. Stop it. There’s nothing more left.

I’m done caring. Done sharing. Done understanding. Done hurting. Done crying. Done hoping. Done asking. Done participating. I’m fucking done loving. Done fighting.

I’m done feeling anything.

So for the last time. I will write in here. Until I find reasons to write again, I will never come back.

Posted in Battlefield, self

My Naked Truths

My heart is breaking. And I’d better not tell it right now but I need to. Again, for my selfish reasons but writing is therapeutic for me. It really helps me.

My heart is breaking. For a friend. And I know he doesn’t need my concern right now. He doesn’t need my words or my comforts or my presence. But I still want to give them. It will be laid in here so hold yourself because this will be the very first time that I’d be talking about only you because my thoughts for today were all about you.

My heart is breaking. Because I can’t help. I wish I reached out as early as I noticed but the fact that I am not someone you needed hindered me. I never wanted to creep you out ever because I value whatever connection we have for each other. And sometimes, your coldness tells me to stop or go away or “not today” so I’ll play “Whatever, do what you want, I don’t even care”.

My heart is breaking. It’s a lie if I don’t care. I cared ever since before that accident that I even wrote my feelings in Filipino so you won’t feel awkward because you won’t understand it. But that’s all about you. I laid myself there, scared and terrified something might happen to you. Why did I do that? I don’t know. It’s a feeling that’s so familiar but naming and recognizing it will jeopardize the situation, so I kept all of these in me because I can’t let you go.

My heart is breaking, because of all the things happening to you. And because you saw things differently now it hurts so much to know. You are the person that I admire, through your ups and downs. You helped me sort myself. And I admire all your pasts, whether a good or a bad one. Because you are an amazing person. You deserve to be loved. And you taught me that without even realizing that you were teaching it. You are that person I told my friends about, because believe it or not, at some point in my life I fell in love with your words. 

Because you told the world that women aren’t transitional to you. That if you say you have feelings for her, thought about her, dream about her, need to have her body or to touch her and actually feel her… that you care for her… she is those words. Your words and your thoughts. You.

It lingers in me for a long time. How a person can love so deep that I fell in love with your words since then. But I know just at to what extent. And I’m already satisfied with the connection I have with you because if it’s all I can get? I won’t complain. It’s all gonna be worth it.

I never told you this, but if I could have a lover someday, I want it to be someone like you. Because I could never imagine someone could love a person more than you do. 

Please don’t think less of yourself because in someone else’s life, you are so much more. More than you can imagine.

And yes, my heart is still breaking. 

Posted in Battlefield, Broken, self

Lost


Would you chase me even if I walked out now? Would you still want me if I already gave up? 

This time, I’m not looking back. I’ve had enough of my own foolishness, stabbing myself with my own grief. I’m done with all of it. Again, I won’t look back.

I thought I can’t do it. With your hot-and-cold-games I’ve been playing since then, I finally raised my flag and planned my retreat. Enough is enough. There is no more piece left to be broken. 

It was your choice to walk away too. It was my choice to put an end to it. It was our mutual choices to stop it there. I said all the words I want to say before going. Your part remained silent until today in which I totally get, no words needed to know what you mean. I didn’t get a reaction because you were too eager to get your bag packed and leave… at least that’s what it seems to me. 

The first night was like hell. I literally cried myself to sleep and I hated every time I woke up in between because I fucking feel the pain I don’t feel when I’m passed out. It gave me the hard time but hey, I got enough of it. And days and nights after felt exactly like the first without improvement. 

But this day, it’s about time to let it go. It’s about time to stop all the games you played from the beginning. If there’s one important thing to point out here, it is to put my own value first before anybody else. I accepted the fact that you won’t chase after me. You will never ever pull me closer. You won’t stop me from ultimately looking away.

And for the last time, I am doing the same. This is the choice I’m most proud I chose. 

Posted in Soul Searching

The Little Things

No one can save me but me. I know that now. I will just bake cookies tonight. I’m done giving shit. Done caring. Done being concerned. Done hurting.

They say, do what makes you happy. And little things make me happy. So I made some list. And I’d start number 1 tonight.

1. Bake cookies.

2. Go to the ocean.

3. Watch a movie.

4. Buy that burger!!!!

5. Practice a new song.

6. Visit Enchanted Kingdom.

7. Sunflowers, sunset, rainbows, shells.

8. Cook food!

9. Eat all you cook.

10. Sleepover with cousins!

11. TRAVEL MORE. Soul search and do it all!
Happiness is a choice, and I’m choosing mine now. 

Posted in Soul Searching

Empty

I know the feeling. It’s not new to me. It is that feeling when you’re done giving shit. It’s not good, it’s not bad. It just feels, empty.

Part of me wants it. The so much hurting. I’m not good at it to be honest. By people leaving me – those who I count on. Those I trust. Those I care about. Those I love. Pffft! All in my head.

So I’ll watch when you go. I will watch when you push me away. I will keep on watching. Because after that, I would feel empty. And emptiness is not a new thing.

It’s not good, it’s not bad. It just feels, empty.

~nadia czarina mae 5/17/17 

Posted in Soul Searching

Because Love Is…

Spontaneous, kind, honest, natural, forgiving, understanding, gentle, warm…


If it’s not working, maybe it isn’t love. Burdened? Scared? ? Then let go. Love isn’t forced. Love isn’t being asked for. Love is being given, without anything in return.

So if it isn’t working, then don’t think of the “love” being wasted. Maybe it’s a sudden overwhelming feelings, but believe, it’s not love after all.

Been there, done that. Enough of the self loathing. 

Because love is spontaneous, kind, honest, natural, forgiving, understanding, gentle, warm. And I hundred percent believe that it is what it is. 

❀️