Posted in Battlefield, Broken

Wishful Thinking 

I wish for times that you aren’t dead yet. I’ve seen moments like these, the hard ones, that you’d be by my side being the shoulder to cry on. I also try to close my eyes and think of you. It must be creepy to think of a dead person be at your side at that moment. But for me, it’s a comfort to think that way. You never died in my mind and heart, so you always stay alive.

If it’s my greed to think this way, I will forever apologize. But sometimes, it’s tiring not to have you here. It’s tiring to fight a battle without your “partner”. Although that one might be a little hypocritical because you fought a gadamned fight without me literally by your side. I swear I always wish I was there, though you told me for multiples times you don’t want me there. If it’s my greed to wish you weren’t dead yet, I’m sorry. But…

That’s unfair, Matt! That’s unfair to consider how traumatic that would be for me when you never even gave me the chance to tell that by myself. I appreciate that you always wanted what’s the best for me, and you never want me to be hurt. But either way Buddy I will be hurt. I am not immunized to that. I just hoped you let me be the best friend that I am when you needed me most. Fortunately, that’s all in the past but it still fucking hurts. It still does Buddy and it’s hopeless.

You died overseas while battling with your cancer. And I was informed last, again. Imagine that for two fucking years that you were diagnosed, I was the last person to know. It was your choice and you told them it was for the best. I didn’t have the time and energy to get angry about that because what’s all in my mind was how to cope up with my best friend dying away from me. Total torture. 

Sometimes I wonder if it was me who finished the race first. If it was me who died first, would you also be this miserable? Would you also remember me in your quiet times? Would it also bother you during occasions that it’s incomplete without me? Would you also wish for me not to be dead yet? It fucking hurts, Matt. It fucking hurts that I haven’t still moved on. I’m stuck in here sorting out me. The void you left? That’s too much to fill in Buddy. 

It’s hard to trust people. It’s hard to tell who are the true friends and who are the fake ones. Because before I always got your back and I didn’t have to worry about having another friend. For me, you & our few friends’ companionship was already enough that I didn’t need to extend myself more. That was all true Buddy. You were enough.

But not until the day of your death. It was not enough. The time you had on earth, the moments we had, the dreams you’ve achieved.  The laughs and sorrows, the late night dramas. Those were not enough.

So if it’s my greed to want you not be dead yet, I’m okay to be called greedy. I wish to buy some time, even a minute. If that’s all I have just to see you and hug you and hear your voice again? That minute will be enough.

I miss you and I love you. May you rest in peace. See you in God’s perfect time. I miss you, Bud!



Well. This is, for most of the time, the hardest part to fill in. Maybe because I am not the type of person who loves to talk about herself. But in this site you can read the pieces of my life, my ups and downs, my victories and defeats. This is the only outlet where my brain can team up with my heart. For everyone who can't construct the words in the clouds of life. Happy reading! ❤️

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