Posted in self

Flicker

I’ve been running away from THIS. But I guess my fingers are dragging me here, because after all that’s been done, writing is a huge part of me. I cannot just stop and forget, no matter how many times I tried. Obviously, I failed again. This is familiar. This is warm. This is comfort. Me and my words. 

Every day, I come here. Reading the blogs these awesome people I followed wrote about their own ups and downs, own victories and defeats is a familiar routine I love doing. It feels like a part of my system. And it drives me back to where I know I belong. My temporary bubble of comfort popped and I am like a lost mist so confused where to go.

But my heart is here, and this is what I love doing. I can’t runaway when all I want to have is home. I might hit all the right points, but I also make no sense at all. And the comfort? The relief? The warmth? That’s what I found here. I can’t run away from the gravity of it. 

I’m trying to close off myself, to avoid and to neglect. I’ve done that for the whole year of 2015 before. I thought I could do the same now, to try to stop myself. But look where it brings me. Still here, writing. 

If being honest, I’m not happy with that decision. I’m going through a difficult emotional situation in which I decided to keep to myself. I am scared. But I also have to live. My life is worth living. 

I was once told that my emotions are predictable and I’m very much readable for I wear my heart at my sleeves. It may all be true. Actually it is.

But you don’t know about me. So thank you, you could stop now.

Posted in Broken, Reality Check

Not Anymore

This brain is a network of complicated, scattered, undecided nerves and signals that usually end up being a mess. I admit that. That’s me anyway. A disaster. A poison. But anything that I can control, I do that. I manage and “try” my hardest to have it all in my head.

Most of the time, thoughts just slip away. It comes out so spontaneous, I have to let them out. I am not good at sharing it verbally. I wish people could understand that. I want my own space alone, my time alone. I can’t deal with it right away, I need more thinking. That’s me.

I hope I can change that fact. But my genetic makeup is something made biologically, I cannot gain or lose it. This is who I am, and what I ask is a little of patience and understanding. I can’t be a rainbow every time. I can’t be the pretty butterfly when in the inside I am a parasitic mosquito. I can’t be the Barbie doll when I’m all feeling Chuckie. 

This world expects too much, and unfortunately I can’t save myself from that. How can you compete with the baseline of beauty? 

My only safe place where I can be me is in here. I can write my heart out. I can be who I am without pretending. My mask is nowhere to be found in here. I can be my true self because nobody expects anything from me. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Nobody will judge me. Nobody can hurt me. 

This had been my security blanket, my comfort zone. I don’t need the reaction and the thoughts. I just need my words here. 

That, at least, is what I believed. But not anymore.

Posted in Battlefield

Hold My Hand

Being a sensitive fella had been innate to me. I easily cry, easily get scared, easily maddened, easily get attached. It all took the easy paths. The solution when it gets problematic, however, has always been the opposite. I am like a trouble and sorting out myself is at times difficult.

In the past, I always let people go. I don’t see the point of fighting for someone you can’t have. There would be fear as always. The rejections? It could always be worse than that. If they don’t want me in and I could see & feel it clearly, I won’t try. I’ve had enough heartbreaks to deal with besides the choices of taking risks with people. So letting them go is my best solution. Just cutting the connection, being cold, and forgetting it all happened. I could deal with the damage afterwards, I’m used to it.

But as they always say, there will always be a person who could switch you off and switch you on for a different view. You could meet that someone who would change your perspectives and hold your lens for you to refocus at the different subject. Although it’s raw and new, I’m puzzled. But in a good way.

I’m scared and unsure but there’s one thing I am certain: I’d like to take a risk on this one. It may be the most foolish thing to do, but I won’t let this go. This, afterall, makes my whole body sing and I’m holding into this.

To this. To you. Although there’s nothing to be established yet, I know I don’t like to let you go. Even if it’s very early to decide, I know I want to fight for you. And the walls are so high you could climb Mt. Everest, I will definitely let you in. With all of the uncertainties. All of the possibilities of heartaches and heartbreaks and broken promises and unmeant words, I won’t let go. Even if the world tells me no, I’d hold your hand and go through it all. 

Because that’s how I learned it, and thank you for teaching me. It may come a little late, but I’m glad it arrived. You arrived. 

Posted in Battlefield

Separation Anxiety

Take it easy, Chin. Hold yourself together. You can’t breakdown. Not like this. I know it’s a hell of pretending to be okay, but that’s the right thing to do now. Just for now. 

Pain is temporary. You’d get over it. 

Posted in Battlefield, Interest

I Got Schooled

In my twenty two years of existence, nearly twenty three, I got schooled by different people. Some mattered to me, some just didn’t. For whatever reasons they come and go, I’d always remember. Never will I forget.

I got schooled by my Mother, my confidant, my fairy godmother. She taught me how to be strong and smart and confident and brave. And that life is full of rainbows and thorns. In that she taught me to choose my own battle, that not all battles are worth fighting for, so I should choose wisely. She taught me the true meaning of friendship, that it is not what is in your hands that is yours but it is what is left when you learn to let go. So to you, Mom, thank you for getting me schooled.

I got schooled by my best friend, alive and breathing. She helped me sort my insecurities and helped me analyze my strengths and weaknesses. She said that rainbows come after the rain and that it can’t rain forever. She hugs me every time I needed comfort, and taught me how to hug myself first because I can’t give what I do not have. She’d been the living proof of selfless love, and that you don’t need to be blood-related to be sisters. So to you, Carla Azalea, thank you for getting me schooled.

I got schooled by this special person. Jolly, strong, inspiring,  full of dreams, full of life, before his leukemia hit him hard. He taught me to be patient and hopeful, that life is precious I shouldn’t waste any second. He said time on earth is limited there shouldn’t be any wasting. And he proved to me that love can traverse another dimension. Love never fades, love still hopes. For that one day, love can still reunite in God’s perfect time. He helped me build myself, be independent, be courageous, be selfless, be passionate, be considerate. He proved that friendship can last a lifetime, even if death eats it away. So to you, my precious one, my heart will never grow tired of waiting, so thank you for getting me schooled.

I got schooled by a reader, who checks in from time to time. For I never really know the connection we have, but I’ll always be thankful for it. You might be reading this portion now, be assured that you taught me so many things in your unspoken words without you knowing it. I learned to be more  tender and more expressive. I hope you could say anything to me because what you would say matters. It matters because you taught me that there are people who would listen, even if in silence. So to you, mister or miss, I hope to be friends with you, thank you for getting me schooled.

I got schooled by a blogger, a sweet, honest, sincere blogger. He said that this world is full of shit and I should never let it get into me. Said attachments are blessings in itself already. And that I learned to live and love boldly, that this world is not perfect but it is worth all the risks. This blogger, who despite all his fears and hesitations still chose to open up his heart to others, because his capacity to love is bigger than him. He taught me that friendship can be found in a virtual world, and that this virtual world is not bad at all. After all, everyone needs to be heard and understood, and whatever the blog says, it matters. So to you, Mr. C, thank you for getting me schooled. 

And I got schooled by a boy…whom I’ve truly, madly, deeply been in loved with. He made me feel several emotions at once. Taught me on how to cope up with pain, and that love is not just about the colorful parts. He helped me appreciate my imperfections and that it is okay to make mistakes from time to time. He taught me that there are things that can’t be returned to normal when broken, and that time can heal everything. So to you, thank you for getting me schooled.

And I got schooled by life. And it is the best lesson of all!