Last Saturday, I went out to meet him in the mall. I asked few of my friends to come with us because I’m scared to go out alone with him. They all agreed and we set up the place and time. So we met. It’s the same usual thing, I was still the one who waited for him. I was half an hour early so I busied myself looking for Christmas presents. Then my phone lighted up and he said he was in the parking. I volunteered to meet him in the parking door entrace, so he waited there.
On my way to the mezzanine parking entrance, I was aking myself if I really want to do this. After 2 years of not seeing each other, I’m scared that the walls I built during his absence would collapse and my crazy mind would let him in again. I was hesitant. I don’t want to revive the dead feelings I had, much more to signal the beat by his presence after years of being gone.
I saw him, standing nervously and looking from side to side, searching for me of course. I slowly walked my pace and I was surprised with the feelings I had after seeing him. I feel… nothing. There wasn’t any up and down movement in my tummy. I didn’t feel any rush of blood to my cheeks. My heart wasn’t racing and my breathing wasn’t irregular. I felt, normal? Was I disappointed?
No. I wasn’t. I was relieved. I am glad his presence didn’t affect me anymore like it used to be on my younger years. It was so awkward when he opened his arm and I didn’t move. Instead he put down his arm and tapped my shoulders. He didn’t say he missed me. I didn’t say I did. Did I? I don’t know. It was confusing that time. And very surprising. I remained silent as we walk back to our friends. I could feel his gaze but it didn’t affect me. He jokingly said I lost weight, and I just smiled. He looked disappointed, maybe because he didn’t expect that as an aswer.
It didn’t last long. About 2 hours. We just ate. I was beside my friend on the table, but he asked if they could switch seats. He didn’t said anything to me so it made me feel awkward why he switched seats. It didn’t feel the same, like the hair on my arms would stand up if he is near me. It didn’t. Like I would flush if he talks to me. I didn’t. He asked me what I would do after. I said I’ll buy some Christmas gifts. He asked if I need a hand, I said no I can manage. He looked disappointed, or hurt. I didn’t really know. He offered to give me a ride for the stuff I would buy, I said I would just book with Uber. He was really surprised with my answers.
This man was the man I loved for years. He may or may not directly know it, but I knew he felt it. He had been the only person that never leaves my mind since I met him. And this same man is the man I don’t feel anything at all after seeing him again.
Maybe that’s what I need. To see him again. To give myself a reality check. To validate that my feelings are not fooling me around. That’s all I need, closure.