Posted in Battlefield

It Happened Again

If there is a word to describe my feelings today, I guess hurt is what I suggest. As much as I avoid this unwanted feeling, it just likes me. It sucks, really really sucks. 

I try my very best to avoid being hurt and sad, but it is always right there, just around the corner… waiting for me. I’ve been there, done that. And I promised myself to always choose happy thoughts if ever I feel the attacks again.

I will let alcohol use my body as a vessel until I’m 1% me and 99% alcohol, just to numb this unwelcomed pain. I wish I like the taste of alcohol so it’s not a fantasy. But I don’t and it’s a shame. I hope I’m not this introvert person who loves books and writings and good quality music instead of being adventurous and outgoing. I’m not, and I’m not so proud.

Happy thoughts. Come to me. Think of them. Happy thoughts. 

I established a way to steam off my unwelcomed feelings. There are only few things that I considered therapeutic for me. But now, one of these is breaking my heart. How could I let this happen to me again? My heart breaks for the sudden changes and I  never had the chance to prepare myself.

You closed the door for me. It really breaks my heart. And even if I tried to avoid it, it just happened, right in front of me with my very own eyes.

It happened again.

And it breaks my heart. 

Posted in Battlefield

Pinky Swear

When the time is right, and that you are brave enough. Maybe it will happen. When you are no longer hurting, and you are ready to trust again, maybe it will worth another try. 

When all the pain subsides.

Maybe. Someday. 

Posted in Battlefield

Take It All Away

Take away all from me. Take my smiles because I can’t find anymore reasons to be happy. Take my strength because there’s no more use of it, I am weak. Take my confidence, I don’t have much trust of myself. Take my love, I no longer need it. Take my courage, for I have nothing left to fight for. Take my reasoning, I don’t want to be justified at all. Take my light, I’m all used of the dark. Take my hope, I’m not believing anything at all.

Take everything away from me, but never Jesus. Spare me Him for He is all I need. Take away all of me, because I am nothing by myself; but you can never take away my God- my only smile, strength, confidence, love, courage, reasoning, light, hope. Even if you take away my life, I am not worried. Because my life isn’t in me, my life is in Jesus.

I am tired, but He is strong.

I am sad, but He is joy.

I am scared, but He is brave.

I have sinned, but He has died.

So take everything away from me, but never Jesus. ❀️😊

Posted in Battlefield

Perfect Reminder

The skies, the stars, the galaxies, the outerspace, the universe.

I think I just love them all I thought as a kid I’d grow up being an astronaut.

And yes, I should always keep this in mind πŸ™‚

Actually, I always have the reminder laced around my neck and placed near my heart. 

In order for a star to shine, it must be placed in the dark ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Posted in Battlefield

Giving Justice To Sky

I felt guilty reading my last post. I know, I shouldn’t bring my favorite thing and then relate that to my ugly emotions. It shouldn’t be thought as reflection of darkness and hopelessness and sadness. Because it’s not how it is supposed to make me feel every time I look at it. That’s a very, very lame excuse to my feelings.

So right now, as I am staring at the sky, I will give justice to you, my love. Sorry, it wasn’t my intention to doubt how much I like staring at you and link that to my emotions. I hope you’re not mad at me because I could only count your 6 stars now. I can’t trace any constellation, but I still love your serenity.

Ahhh. The beautiful sky. It’s most beautiful just before sunrise. Just before the beam of blue eats the line of orange. But, there is an exception at night. That’s my favorite time, as always. It brings me to other dimension aside from what I am in at the moment without going anywhere. My thoughts, as bombarded and complicated, the vast space of the skies has more than enough space to occupy them. I can draw anything I want as I trace my fingers and connect the stars. It gives another meaning to my questions, and just like that there is peace within me.

There are no boundaries. And what’s so good about it? No expectations. It doesn’t require me explanations, doesn’t expect anything from me, doesn’t have to put me to another effort. Unlike the real world, I have to always fight and fight and fight just to prove my worth. 

It’s still not enough to say all of these though. I know they are not enough. I can’t give proper justice as to how the sky gives so much positivity to me. It’s beautiful and always there even in the dark. 

You’re always there. I know you are. I just can’t reach you, or touch you or feel you. But I’m okay with that.

 So close, yet so far. 

Posted in Broken, Uncategorized

Taste of my own medicine

I’m staring at the sky. There are many twinkling stars. It’s vast and endless, full of possibilities, serene. Despite the darkness, I find peace whenever I look up on the sky. It’s just beautiful. Unlike me.

How would it feel to share this moment with someone important to you? I’m staring at the stars, questioning their beauty. How is it possible that I’m million miles away but they captivated me? How is it not possible for me to look for something like that down here? Sitting on the grass, hugging my knees to my heart as I stare at the brightest star: I’m terribly lost. I just realized tears fell down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt heavy, in my head and my heart. 

I’ve never felt this alone in my whole life. As much as I want someone to hold me right now and bring my pieces together saying it’s gonna be alright, there’s nobody ready for me. How does it feel, to hold someone’s hand when they’re afraid and hopeless? How does it feel, to embrace them in your arms, protecting them from the pain they are feeling? How does it all feel? I never knew the feeling.

The stars, the sky, the coldness of the breeze, the darkness of the night. I’m still crying. I thought it’s about peace and serenity and solidarity, but why do I feel bad being alone?