I don’t know how long it had been. 3 months? 4 months? I think longer than that. But the pain feels like it was just yesterday. It still lingers, you know? It’s just there, never gone. Never healed.
If it was my fault to stop because I don’t want to give my all-in anymore in trade of the crumbs of you, I would not regret this mistake. Maybe the problem is in me; when I care, I care too much. When I give, I give too much. When I love, I love too much to the point of nothing left for me. I thought it was all fine for me that what you can give is just crumbs of you. I understand that I wasn’t your priority. Never had been. I totally understand that.
But that night, I didn’t anymore. I started to ask myself why am I allowing this. I started to think am I not deserving to be chased? Then there I started to cry, I remember how chest tightening that night was…of how little I felt of myself, of how I devalued myself chasing for someone I hoped would appreciate me, of how stupid and blind I am to think it was love.
The saddest thing I heard from you is when you said yes you deserve to be chased, I totally think you are. But sorry, I don’t chase. It hit me, hard. I can’t think of anything to say but just my plain I always knew, for that thank you. And it ended there.
What was I? Nothing. Worthless girl you just met. Just a girl you can talk to anytime you need her. A girl who would drive to you at 2am because you said you had that nightmare again. A girl who would skip her work to take care of you because you are sick. I thought she was okay with that, never a priority, just a girl.
But she woke up from all these craps and finally felt the pain of not appreciating her. And because of that, I was freed, I am free… and for once, I feel I deserved to be chased.