Trees are green, and that rice field too
I’m changing hues, Because of you
Blissful horizon, it seems untrue
Nothing is real, when I am with you.
Damn hard feelings.
October 28, 2016. 2:10PM. Philippines.
You are unique. I can’t find shade on you. You can’t be the one to protect me over the burning rays of the sun, or shelter me at struggling pour of rain. You can’t give me the cool air to breathe. Or the relaxing green sight for my eyes.
You are different. Among the sprouting colorful bushes and greenery leaves, you remain the dark brown and black hues. At far you outshine the full-grown branches of perfect pallets of green, because you dried of them. Grew tired of the baggages in every branch. And remained alone with your indifference.
You are special. Standing silent but strong. Imperfectly attractive. The blue skies containing milky white clouds directly pointing the rays below, touching my skin harshly, touching it hot. It’s special.
I am not shaded, I am not sheltered. I am not. But with you I am peaceful. I am limitless. I am beyond words.
Because although you are distinct, unique and different in a good way, you are who I fell in love with.You are my autumn in springtime, and I won’t change a thing.
It’s not the shit we’re all going through. It’s not just about that. If there’s just a switch to turn off your emotions when you want to so you won’t get hurt, it’s gonna be easy.
But hell no, it’s not!
So to all the girls and guys who are heartbroken, devasted, wasted, hurt, left behind… it’s okay, let it out. Cry on. Fucking swear and let them hear your fucking foul mouth. Scream your pain, all of it. Sulk for hours, even days. Let them know. Let them be sick to death and judge you and criticize your emotions. Let them know your scars and tell you it’s not important and the world is not just about you and your fucking pain. Let them.
It’s okay, darling. Embrace it. It will never be easy, oh no, never. But you know how it’s gonna be all worth it?
If you would learn to love yourself, if you would see that there are others willing to heal you, if you would help yourself fight the demons you have… if you would accept that life isn’t perfect but you’re a masterpiece and you deserve the value that comes along. There. It’s all gonna be worth it! Fight for it.
And let them know, but don’t let them define you. Remember, dogs only bark at wrong guy. They don’t know a thing.
Did you let it out? Good. Now get your ass up, head up high and pat yourself at your back: you’ll be fine. Trust me, you would. ❤️
Sweetest downfall. Famous words from Samson by Regina Spektor. As I am preparing to bed, my shuffle playlist hit this song. I stopped immediately in the familiarity of the lyrics.
I don’t like to interpret the song itself for there are multiple explanations you can find in the internet. But this particular stanzas hit me hard, deep down my heart and brain.
Love is a lot of sacrifice. For Samson, whose strengths come from that strand of hair which Delilah chose to cut obeying her race, it didn’t matter. She had done alright cutting his hair, because it’s no difference being with her, he always feels weak.
I don’t know, I just like this song so much. I think that’s how we should love. Very bold and not afraid despite betrayal… because when love is pure, it recognizes pain. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Off to bed.
C, N ❤️
I’m tired to catch your attention. It is the hardest of all. I thought dealing with my past heartbreaks would be so much work, but getting your attention is a lifetime of labor.
Why do you have to appear and make my already messed up life messier?
All I wanted is you, I am admitting that now. This life sucks, big time.
People come and go, that’s an established fact. We can’t force people to stay in our life no matter how much we need them, or care for them, or love them. The inevitable change will always be there, for better or for worse.
Although we don’t have a choice when people leave us, what we can choose is how we will remember them. And right now, I chose to remember my memories of you when I first knew and met you rather than choosing how you broke me into million pieces.
I would remember how you call me, or how your voice sounded when you say my name. I would remember how you grab my excess fats on my side and play with them until you tickle me and I’m dying laughing I almost pee. I would remember the wrinkles between your eyebrows when you think too much, those lines I want to kiss away and soften because it always looks so stiff. I want to remember your smiles when you know I’m hiding food from you. I want to remember your comforting hugs when I’m having my bad days, and remember you once, and by once I really mean only once, told me how happy you were I’m staying. (Not sure though if in your life or what)
I’d like to remember you for all those good and happy memories I collected rather than choosing how you break my heart, and how devastating it was when you left.
Because I know the scars would be hard to heal but it is as hard to just throw these memories of you. Remember when you made me promise that one nightmare moments not to ever forget about you? We even pinky sweared. The funny thing now is I didn’t ask you to promise the same thing. Hell, I just assumed you meant same thing because why would you want me to remember you if you don’t want same thing with me? But now I realized, I never made you promise so it’s pretty fair if you forgot about me. Sadly.
And it’s fine. Because I am learning from all of this… from all of you. There will come a time that I would no longer wonder how you are, what are you doing, did you sleep well or are you skipping meals again… I would stop thinking and caring, and remembering you.
But right now, this is how I want to remember you. My sweet & kind guy, almost mine but never did.
I don’t know how long it had been. 3 months? 4 months? I think longer than that. But the pain feels like it was just yesterday. It still lingers, you know? It’s just there, never gone. Never healed.
If it was my fault to stop because I don’t want to give my all-in anymore in trade of the crumbs of you, I would not regret this mistake. Maybe the problem is in me; when I care, I care too much. When I give, I give too much. When I love, I love too much to the point of nothing left for me. I thought it was all fine for me that what you can give is just crumbs of you. I understand that I wasn’t your priority. Never had been. I totally understand that.
But that night, I didn’t anymore. I started to ask myself why am I allowing this. I started to think am I not deserving to be chased? Then there I started to cry, I remember how chest tightening that night was…of how little I felt of myself, of how I devalued myself chasing for someone I hoped would appreciate me, of how stupid and blind I am to think it was love.
The saddest thing I heard from you is when you said yes you deserve to be chased, I totally think you are. But sorry, I don’t chase. It hit me, hard. I can’t think of anything to say but just my plain I always knew, for that thank you. And it ended there.
What was I? Nothing. Worthless girl you just met. Just a girl you can talk to anytime you need her. A girl who would drive to you at 2am because you said you had that nightmare again. A girl who would skip her work to take care of you because you are sick. I thought she was okay with that, never a priority, just a girl.
But she woke up from all these craps and finally felt the pain of not appreciating her. And because of that, I was freed, I am free… and for once, I feel I deserved to be chased.