Posted in Broken, Uncategorized

Dear Ben.

Hi. I miss you so much. I’ve been here for hours, typing and deleting words that I want to say to you. My nerves are all electrified and tears are just around my eye sac. Ben, you are the love of my life but I don’t know what is happening to us now.

You came back. I’ve patiently waited for your return and I was very very glad when you came back. But it isn’t the same anymore. The once happy and lively us turns out to be cold and feisty. What happened to us, Ben? Why didn’t you tell me if there’s something wrong… I am pained, bruised and broken but I patch them all to tell myself everything will be okay. We will be okay, and I’m trying my best to understand your situation. But things were not the same.

Sorry because I can’t tell you that you are hurting me already, you’ve been hurting me since you gave the space between us. And I accept them all. I believe if I am capable of loving, I am also capable of being hurt, and that’s okay. Sorry love, that whenever I close my eyes I always imagine your smiles, kissing my forehead while I lean my head on your chest and I try to hear the beats of your heart. How I miss our conversations, real conversation not just hi and hellos. How I always want the old us, but there is fuckn constant CHANGE in this world that I have no control.

I just hope you’re also considering my feelings. Stop flirting with me when you’re lonely and needy. You always know that I’ve fallen in love with your substance and personality. Ben, you mean so much to me more than you could imagine, and I care so much…but you started neglecting me and I can’t see anymore reason to have us back again. Why are you doing this to me?
 

Please just push me away and intentionally hurt me so I would have a slight idea why we are parting.

With so much love, but is tired,
C πŸ’”πŸ™πŸ» 

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m still into you.

I know it is wrong, but I am aware I’m still into you. I know I’ve been so dramatic, melancholic, bipolar, clingy and attached, and I hated how I turned out like these because of you, but I am still into you.

I still check my phone from time to time. I still go over your account and stalk your site. I still wait, patiently wait for the beep of my phone. I still think of what we might be talking about until we bore ourself and end up saying good mornings instead of good night. I still miss your hellos, I still love your British accent. I still like the words “my girl” whenever you address me. I still want to nag you at work until you give in and chat with me. I don’t understnd why I am still into you when I know you’re not coming back.

I want to hug you. I want to keep you. I want to say to you how much love I have for you. I want to cling my fingers between you. I want to watch football with you, and you watch basketball with me. I want to spend a vacation in a beach with you. I want to travel the world alongside with you. I want to think of future with you. I want to see you at the end of the aisle.

But you’re not there anymore. You planned your own tomorrow without me. You’re okay without me. And I am still into you.

Can you tell me now how to unlove you? Because right now, I am stuck in the idea of a life with you. This is so much pain I am already lost. I still cry, what the f did I do to deserve this. 

πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

Posted in Uncategorized

The Best Is Yet To Come…

For all the heartaches, the pain and the sorrow, the best is yet to come. If you cry a lot and you’re weaken and tired, remember that the best is yet to come. Allow me to share a little bit of me this past month, when I thought I just want to hold on—- but no, I should keep moving on, because there is the best that’s yet to come.

I cried a lot these few days. What was I weeping? A forgotten love. A love that lost its spark. A love that is not enduring. A love that isn’t worth keeping, isn’t worth fighting. I thought I found the one. I thought I could trust again, I’m ready to get hurt, be pained, and repeatedly broken again. Because what else could I want? I have someone who made me happy. Well I thought I was, but the happiness was only temporary. 

I’m worst at parting apart. I can’t stand saying goodbye even if I know it is just for a little while. I don’t like the idea of going away, of not seeing each other again, of not hearing each other voices again, of not being there with one another again. It sucks to wait. It destroys me, I get tired of waiting…wondering when will he have a time for me as much as I have all my time for him.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I’m starting to get clingy, I can’t help it. But I think, this person is not just really into me. When the words were just easily said, it is hard to show. I understand the pain, like tiny needles poking my veins. Like little pebbles hitting my skull. Like a basin of water drowning me in. I felt really really terrible.

Well tell me how would you feel when the person you’ve waited for days to talk with you just became so cold all of sudden, that you were thinking have you said anything wrong, or did you say something off to make the gap. The silence is deafening. But the coldness is killing me.

Then a while ago at church, I was sitting alone at the fourth bench from front listening to our pastor. He repeatedly said “The best is yet to come”. And I remembered last night I prayed to God that may the pain I am feeling now be gone, that bring my soul to the owner of my heart, that he knows what I am hurt…and that I need help, and asking to be healed. 

“the best is yet to come” – and I am awakened. If you think you did not get what you want, the best is yet to come. If you think the scars of your sorrows are unbearable, the best is yet to come. If you think everything is doomed and regretful, the best is yet to come.

And I believe and thank God. That I am hurt now because the best is still to come. Keep smiling and keep loving. It doesn’t end here. 

—-

So much love,

Nadia Czarina Mae S. Cortuna (aka CHIN)