It had been a long time ago since I last posted something in here (neglect my latest for it wasn’t something “substantial”). And now my mind is so crumpled that I couldn’t trace back my line to where should I start and begin, again…
Disheartening, it happened so fast that I myself couldn’t pace up with my own speed. And thinking of a grandiose “comeback”, I found myself untangling the cords of words to express myself. I think I just forgot how to be the old me; who is so expressive and honest and straightforward and fearless. Maybe things really can change. How I missed my old self. I just wished I am still the jolly, optimistic, brave girl who isn’t afraid to say what she wants and to do what she likes. Now that I’ve grown into someone with wider understanding of this fraudulent world, I think I lost myself somewhere along the way and I can’t see any trace to find myself back.
Ah, yes. Myself. Why am I even talking about myself? It’s a shame to think that I have this self-pity for nothing. I just feel so lost and vulnerable, and I am afraid of breaking into pieces again…
No, no, no. The social criticisms. I once was so confident about myself. I can present myself without being so hyped of other people’s opinions. Love your own. But it was looooong ago that I couldn’t remember how to be like one anymore. Social criticisms, this monstrous, wicked society- destroying me, cutting in me, eating me. How I wished I remained innocent of this evil world. How I wished I stayed ignorant, yes, ignorant yet peaceful and blissful. I think it belongs to the same process of growing up and getting more matured. But against all of these saddening realizations, I am glad my choice made me a better although broken piece— patched up but still working, blemished but still shipshape, flawful but improved and new.
So how will I do my grand entrance?
Rocking my own stage and being the star. 🙂
I can’t be more proud of myself that I finished college. I graduated on time with extraordinary awards. YES. That’s the cream on the cupcake I baked. I graduated CUM LAUDE and it paid off all the grotesque processes I’ve been through. What more could you complain if being in the gruesome journey will give you a shining, polished, alluring gem?
Oh no, not to mention that being a licensed pharmacist and passing the board exams with just one take will give you cloud nine after a devastating typhoon. It paid off all the pain, the worthlessness, the disappointments. I’m very glad it turned out to be a beautiful disaster.
I thought I could never write again in this blog. I’ve seen this beautiful art as an ugly outlet, not until now. At least I realized I have to free myself and remove my dreadful, poisonous self first before I can clear the clouds above my head and start telling my exquisitely beautiful stories, again.
Welcome back, better me. 🙂