Since everyone seems to talk about the love of their lives, that common sensation also bothers my thoughts. No, not just because this is the love month, as what the majority is calling it, but maybe because I was also driven by my own emotions to say something beyond of what I can control. Actually, the reason why I am saying this out, or writing this down, is because I am really in deep pain now, that I am still dwelling with the same battle that my heart and my brain is continuously fighting. How desperate of it was me to still think of unbelievable things, to believe in lies, or to assume it is all true. Stupid – some may say. But aren’t we all become one stupid person when we all fall in love?
I am not a kind of person who loves talking about self-emotions. I am most of the time keeping it private and those of few ones are lucky enough to know bit of details about my feelings. Even my mother, she does not know things about me when it comes to admirations to someone else. More often I say it to closest friends, but not an open book to let everyone read it. But here I am now, writing something so strange and unusual of me, just because I am hurt. All I want is to let it out, that it makes me suffer if I will still contain it, and that I want to move on from this drunken feeling of being so in loved with someone who barely notices me…
It is immature of me to talk such rubbish things like this. But it is true, I am in pain. Before, I know it was just a simple admiration. I like those people who share same interests with me. And with that, I am paying more attention to that person. I don’t easily fall because I am not easily attracted by someone’s looks. I am more attracted to the person’s behavior, and attitude, and perceptions in life. In short, I fell with this person because of his deep personality. Do you feel, somehow, that a person likes you also? Can you sometimes feel that the person you like, feels same way as yours? I know it may be assuming, or I am too assuming to feel it. I was so blinded by the feeling I have towards that person. All I wanted to do is to make him happy, even though it makes me sad, really. It doesn’t matter to me if it is being stupid, or selfish, as long as I can feel contentment with the things I did for him. I can really sacrifice time and effort, with a little or even a small chance of him noticing me. It is a very bad feeling to fall in love with someone you know can’t love you back.
Sometimes, I tend to ignore him because I just want to know my importance in his life. But realizing in the end that I have no space in his life, it gives more pain inside me. I wanted to confess this strange “feelings”, but I am always being tapped by my mind: No, that is not the right way. So in the end, I will still be someone as his friend, right there and then lowering my pride to start things again. If only he had been rude to me, if only he never said caring and too clingy things to me, if he had never been kind and helpful, and supportive, and a good friend of mine, I would never fall.
If he had never fallen for someone else, maybe, I wouldn’t be this hurt. It is really sad to see someone you love who grew the feeling out of the box for someone else. I really got jealous. I know it was selfish but that’s the consequence of loving someone afar. Learning how happy they were, how your efforts turned in your own sorrows, it really breaks my heart. It might be selfish, but how could I deal with it, I can no longer bear the pain, because I could not withstand the fact that he’s having more attention to that person he likes. It bothers me, really. It is heartbreaking when he’s not responding to my messages, and that he does to some of my friends. Jealousy, at times I feel but I know I don’t have the smallest right to feel. Who I am to demand for his attention anyway? Seeing him go to someone else’s arms is one of the painful feelings I realized.
Sometimes, I wished I have never known anything about you, that I had never met you, and we never crossed each other’s life. I could not even continue with this feeling because the longer it gets, the harder it is to comprehend.
What I am regretting now is the fact that I believed with the feeling that you feel the same way. Really, signs are for fools that these just made me assume and feel so elated with false beliefs. You have been so special to me, I love making you happy, love being around you, love sharing thoughts with you, love making jokes with you, love seeing you smile, and making you proud, and supporting you and being supported by you… I just loved the way we had been, but the thing is, that love must not grow to a manner of loving you.
I am sorry for saying this, and be hurt by you without you knowing it. After all, you never knew that I liked you this big. You never know, because I had never told you, or maybe you already knew but just don’t like to believe it is true. Sorry for I had revealed something out of bias feeling of mine, I am hurt because I know truth has never been so sweet. I love to stop, but I had fallen deep. I don’t blame you because after all, this is my decision… I would just like to share random things that I feel right now. I had never been so honest with the way I feel, I had never been so straight forward with the things coming from my mind. I am just hurt, and I don’t blame this to you, and what’s more painful is that I can’t stop caring and don’t mind you. I would like to stop but it was this deep already. I am already tired of making myself believe that I am not hurt. I am tired of making lies to cope up with my own pain. But what can I do? I chose to love you… Maybe now, all I can do is to see you go. You deserve that happiness, and I deserve that, too.