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Hello. And. Goodbye

I honestly would like to tell someone today about how I feel inside. I could not even count the number of attempts I tried to write it down here, maybe because I am being hindered by my fear and pride and immaturities. Too young to express such baloney inside me, I found myself in need to say something within my head, and my heart as well. I can’t even figure out the fact why I am in need of doing so. All I know is that threshold of sadness comes down, which I don’t even know why, and the splitting ideas from this brain has to continuously be expressed out. I like somebody else, and this time, I would like to end it here.

Not realizing it has to come to this point, I asked myself. Why does love come in most unexpected ways? I deeply know myself, I don’t easily like and fall for someone else. For me, emotions need to be developed and it should always start with a huge and good foundation. I remembered asking someone about love, and asking when to say you really like or love someone already. Even with answers being laid upon my face, I could not pick the best one. I just don’t know, maybe it is still not the answer I want to hear.

He is someone I could not imagine that I would really like for so long. Besides, he is not even someone I really consider as the man of my dreams. A lot of other girls are going crazy over him. No one for sure will disagree about how well-groomed he is. He is so neat, so good-looking, so heart-captivating. But this looks won’t penetrate the realistic mind of mine. He’s attractive, that’s all.

But as time passes by, little by little I am able to write bits of stories about him, I realize that time clicks same with my feelings – too scared to entertain what was the happiness all about when I’m with him, or what was the sadness all about when he’s ignoring me though I tend to seek attention through my actions, or what was the pain all about when he tells stories about the girl he likes, or what was the tickling feeling in my heart when he makes simple things special. The clouds came clear and made up layer of pure thoughts. Is this another puff of fervor, or just simple kindness I am over-reacting?

I know within myself that this is another special thing. He comes to visit my mind almost every time. He usually catches my attention over flashes of dreams. He even gets a special place in my life that I am more willing to sacrifice important matters over him. Pain costs nothing, for I know he will never ever feel the same. Who among these guys would like to fall for someone just like me? No matter how many times we say that eyes are not the ones being in loved, well it is the very first beat that dictates the brain, and might the heart as well. Appearance is a major factor, and it always has to be an attractive factor.

Come crossing inside my head now is the disturbed feeling I am confused about. Maybe this is not love at all. Maybe this is just infatuation. Maybe I am just being carried away by my too immature feelings. Maybe I am just happy on the companionship he is giving. Maybe he is also just enjoying the good friendship we have. Maybe, we are really just friends. Maybe, I am the only one being affected. And the only truth I know is that, I am the only one who feels this way. I don’t even regret it, for this feeling inspires me and ignites goodness in me.

And so, to you, I want you to know the things that are running inside my head now. I hope you would have time to pay attention, too.

Mr. I-am-all-confused-now,

                The very first time I see you, I don’t really like you. You are not someone of my interest, actually. You entered this place with a very hate-to-my-bones look, and all I could say to myself that time was “I will never gonna like this man”. Days went by, and nothing special is happening, girls are already gone mad because of your charm, but exclude me.

                Not until you first called my name. It was a pleasant voice to hear, I admit. From that very moment, I used to look into your face and to examine your movements, which I don’t actually do before. Then there I saw most of the things I’ve never seen – the sweet smiles coming from your face which is being fascinated by your attractive eyes, your gestures full of care and gentleness, your words being uttered in a very smart and captivating voice, and your scent, which I will always be specific and familiar with. All of these are the things that make me smile every time I think of you and every single moment that I am missing you.

                But beyond the goodness of your face is more of the goodness of your soul. Remember the time that you said to me your favorite song? From then on, it was the music that keeps playing on my playlist. The melody reminds me of you, and the lyrics itself pertains to you most of the time. Whenever I am sad, I sing your favorite song and it instantly eats the pain away. You told me about someone you love, and I pretend to be eager to listen and help you out. But never would you feel that there’s subtle meaning for me. I want to make you happy, I want you to be happy even if it’s hurting me all the time. And believe me it is true, I am doing it because all I ever wanted is to see you smile, it even feels gooder if it’s because of me. At a single point, seeing you smile can also make me smile, and I don’t regret anything at all.

                Don’t be too kind, because that’s the very thing that made me fall for you. I even don’t like it when you treat me more special, it makes me fall even deeper. I don’t like you to be so attached with me, because whenever you are leaving, it gives me a hard time to accept and move on. I hate it when you tease me, it gives me reason to remember how close we are. I don’t also like you to do effort, it makes me feel that I am “important”. But these things, though unusual and confusing, are those that make me happy, which I am even more scared of if you’ll stop and change.

                The thing is that I want to set gratitude for someone who made it possible for these feelings to arise, it was a nice feeling I have experienced. But now, I would just like also to stop. This confusion you are giving me sometimes leads to expectations, but more of disappointments because we both know it was just me. And now, being my first time to do this, I want to say hello, for the love I have felt, and goodbye, for I want this to end.

I hope even by reading this, you will still be the same. I will remain your ears whenever you need them, your shoulders whenever you seek support, your eyes if you see things blurry, and your hand if you can’t reach them. I can always be the same friend you knew. I will remain the same as what you have known me. I will never get affected from now on. Maybe because, all I know is I am friend-in-loved with you .

-CHIN

 

 

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Author:

Well. This is, for most of the time, the hardest part to fill in. Maybe because I am not the type of person who loves to talk about herself. But in this site you can read the pieces of my life, my ups and downs, my victories and defeats. This is the only outlet where my brain can team up with my heart. For everyone who can't construct the words in the clouds of life. Happy reading! ❤️

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