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Hello. And. Goodbye

I honestly would like to tell someone today about how I feel inside. I could not even count the number of attempts I tried to write it down here, maybe because I am being hindered by my fear and pride and immaturities. Too young to express such baloney inside me, I found myself in need to say something within my head, and my heart as well. I can’t even figure out the fact why I am in need of doing so. All I know is that threshold of sadness comes down, which I don’t even know why, and the splitting ideas from this brain has to continuously be expressed out. I like somebody else, and this time, I would like to end it here.

Not realizing it has to come to this point, I asked myself. Why does love come in most unexpected ways? I deeply know myself, I don’t easily like and fall for someone else. For me, emotions need to be developed and it should always start with a huge and good foundation. I remembered asking someone about love, and asking when to say you really like or love someone already. Even with answers being laid upon my face, I could not pick the best one. I just don’t know, maybe it is still not the answer I want to hear.

He is someone I could not imagine that I would really like for so long. Besides, he is not even someone I really consider as the man of my dreams. A lot of other girls are going crazy over him. No one for sure will disagree about how well-groomed he is. He is so neat, so good-looking, so heart-captivating. But this looks won’t penetrate the realistic mind of mine. He’s attractive, that’s all.

But as time passes by, little by little I am able to write bits of stories about him, I realize that time clicks same with my feelings – too scared to entertain what was the happiness all about when I’m with him, or what was the sadness all about when he’s ignoring me though I tend to seek attention through my actions, or what was the pain all about when he tells stories about the girl he likes, or what was the tickling feeling in my heart when he makes simple things special. The clouds came clear and made up layer of pure thoughts. Is this another puff of fervor, or just simple kindness I am over-reacting?

I know within myself that this is another special thing. He comes to visit my mind almost every time. He usually catches my attention over flashes of dreams. He even gets a special place in my life that I am more willing to sacrifice important matters over him. Pain costs nothing, for I know he will never ever feel the same. Who among these guys would like to fall for someone just like me? No matter how many times we say that eyes are not the ones being in loved, well it is the very first beat that dictates the brain, and might the heart as well. Appearance is a major factor, and it always has to be an attractive factor.

Come crossing inside my head now is the disturbed feeling I am confused about. Maybe this is not love at all. Maybe this is just infatuation. Maybe I am just being carried away by my too immature feelings. Maybe I am just happy on the companionship he is giving. Maybe he is also just enjoying the good friendship we have. Maybe, we are really just friends. Maybe, I am the only one being affected. And the only truth I know is that, I am the only one who feels this way. I don’t even regret it, for this feeling inspires me and ignites goodness in me.

And so, to you, I want you to know the things that are running inside my head now. I hope you would have time to pay attention, too.

Mr. I-am-all-confused-now,

                The very first time I see you, I don’t really like you. You are not someone of my interest, actually. You entered this place with a very hate-to-my-bones look, and all I could say to myself that time was “I will never gonna like this man”. Days went by, and nothing special is happening, girls are already gone mad because of your charm, but exclude me.

                Not until you first called my name. It was a pleasant voice to hear, I admit. From that very moment, I used to look into your face and to examine your movements, which I don’t actually do before. Then there I saw most of the things I’ve never seen – the sweet smiles coming from your face which is being fascinated by your attractive eyes, your gestures full of care and gentleness, your words being uttered in a very smart and captivating voice, and your scent, which I will always be specific and familiar with. All of these are the things that make me smile every time I think of you and every single moment that I am missing you.

                But beyond the goodness of your face is more of the goodness of your soul. Remember the time that you said to me your favorite song? From then on, it was the music that keeps playing on my playlist. The melody reminds me of you, and the lyrics itself pertains to you most of the time. Whenever I am sad, I sing your favorite song and it instantly eats the pain away. You told me about someone you love, and I pretend to be eager to listen and help you out. But never would you feel that there’s subtle meaning for me. I want to make you happy, I want you to be happy even if it’s hurting me all the time. And believe me it is true, I am doing it because all I ever wanted is to see you smile, it even feels gooder if it’s because of me. At a single point, seeing you smile can also make me smile, and I don’t regret anything at all.

                Don’t be too kind, because that’s the very thing that made me fall for you. I even don’t like it when you treat me more special, it makes me fall even deeper. I don’t like you to be so attached with me, because whenever you are leaving, it gives me a hard time to accept and move on. I hate it when you tease me, it gives me reason to remember how close we are. I don’t also like you to do effort, it makes me feel that I am “important”. But these things, though unusual and confusing, are those that make me happy, which I am even more scared of if you’ll stop and change.

                The thing is that I want to set gratitude for someone who made it possible for these feelings to arise, it was a nice feeling I have experienced. But now, I would just like also to stop. This confusion you are giving me sometimes leads to expectations, but more of disappointments because we both know it was just me. And now, being my first time to do this, I want to say hello, for the love I have felt, and goodbye, for I want this to end.

I hope even by reading this, you will still be the same. I will remain your ears whenever you need them, your shoulders whenever you seek support, your eyes if you see things blurry, and your hand if you can’t reach them. I can always be the same friend you knew. I will remain the same as what you have known me. I will never get affected from now on. Maybe because, all I know is I am friend-in-loved with you .

-CHIN

 

 

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Expecting Something Unexpected

“Things happen when you least expect it.”

Last August 26, I woke up from a very long sleep wherein my hair was still wet. Yes, I fell asleep after taking a bath, and woke up with a very unusual and sick feeling. I ignore the muscle pain and slight fever I am experiencing that time, I told myself that maybe it’s because of yesterday’s family plans we did, and all of it was due to tiredness. The next day, I went to school with fever, not telling my Mom or my classmates and friends, of course I have to go to school, I don’t like to miss my school day, for me it is very important.

But things happen when you least expect it. Because I am not really feeling well, my friend, Shar, heard my conversation with Mama over the phone. Mom was instructing me to go to the clinic, and Shar offered to accompany me. It was 4 o’clock that time, I was hesitating to go because the clinic might get closed any moment from that time. But Shar really convinced me because of the visible blisters on my face and neck. And yes, I was diagnosed by the school physician of having chicken pox and was not allowed to go back to school until September 9.

I was really in deep thought that time. I had a lot of worries. First of all, that was 2 weeks. 2 weeks of not going to school, 2 weeks of being absent, 2 weeks of school activities to be missed. I was crying that night, having in mind the things that really scare me ever since. I don’t want to procrastinate, but it seems so relevant when I am not around in school. That’s my only motivation to keep going and let myself excel in ways I know. But dark clouds showered over me, I laid up a plan inside my head, but it did not even help a single plot. Why am I crying? Then maybe my reasons will justify my actions now.

1. I’M AFRAID TO HAVE CHICKEN POX

– this is one of my worst nightmares ever since. I don’t really want to acquire it even before because of my very low pain tolerance. I have experienced measles before and it was very itchy and I couldn’t really bare it. But now, all I have to accept is that these blisters won’t disappear. It was really itchy and irritating. I haven’t slept for 3 nights because of my very uncomfortable situation. Even before, I used to get off with people having chicken pox. I really don’t like to have it, no one does, I guess. But unluckily, I had it, and now was the time to accept it. But what about my next worries?

2. THE WEEK AFTER WILL BE MY MIDTERM EXAMINATION

-this is the very reason why I don’t like to have it. This is the very reason why my heart was pounded into pieces. I have 10 midterm examinations to take this week (September 4-7), but I was only allowed to get back in school on the 9th. I am now a junior student in Pharmacy, my subjects are ALL major subjects and I am admitting to myself that these subjects are not easy. I promised to myself that I will make better grades for this grading period, but look what happened! Now I don’t know how will I ever get back in track again. From that 10 exams, add the 7 missed quizzes and other activities I did not perform, plus the assignments which I never know if my professors will look into considerations. I am really scared now, and hopeless, too, if I would be able to pass this through. I am really envious of my schoolmates who are all finished taking their exams with no worries now, but I? I have just started, just 3/10 of the exams done and the quizzes still battling inside my head. L

-now the saddest part. That’s the reason why I am not allowed to go to school, because others might acquire the Varicella virus inside me. I really missed my friends, yeah they visited me before I went back in province for some time, but they were so afar from me. I understand them because that’s what I did also before. Even worse, I have this friend who will leave soon for outside the country “growth” and I was planning of a little surprise for him. I was planning to gather all our friends, have a little time together before he finally leaves. But it won’t permit me because of my condition. Now, even to see him before he really flies away, or even to bide goodbyes with him is way too impossible because he hasn’t acquire same condition as mine yet. He might have chicken pox, too and I don’t want that to happen. So this is another worry which really made me sad all through this time. Maybe because, I would personally like to say goodbye for the last time, even just so of saying it apart, but now would not be realistic to happen.

These things really broke my heart. I went home, but the people I want to mingle with are not coming because they still don’t get chicken pox yet. I was a loner all throughout the time. I sat on a same seat, be on the same place all the time. My mind was still in school, thinking of the plenty of school works that they are busily doing and which I will be missing. I have plenty of things to cite that really broke my heart. I even talked to God, WHY THIS TIME? Of all time, why this time? There’s still a lot of time for me to have it but why this time? This time that I’m in the middle of my classes and about to have examinations, this time that I could not be able to meet and bide bye to a friend soon leaving and with no definite time to comeback. I am really in deep agony to figure things out.

Sure I am that there is a reason why it had happened. I talked to God, and He answered in a way I consider he did. One day, I was browsing over my phone. Then unintentionally I was staring on my long-time wallpaper. It says there: “You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it”. I smiled a bit, slowly realizing what my wallpaper was trying to say. Maybe I was thinking I can’t do it, maybe I was thinking of pretty much worries but at the end, I’m strong enough surely to pass it. It made me feel a lot better. And now, I am better recovered and ready to face whatever is along the way I am walking. Maybe it would be really hard, but God is constantly reminding me that I am not alone in this battle, even a lot of people will turn their heads away from me, He’s still there, never leaving me.

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Honestly, at this moment, I still don’t know and don’t realize the reason why I had this chicken pox in a very wrong timing. But I know, God never sets plans on a wrong timing. Not too late, not too early but always on a perfect timing. With this condition, I know it is wrong, but I am excited to know how it will turn out to be perfect.

For the mean time, I will just face my reality. I know it will be very hard. I have to double my work, double my effort, double everything I have. I could not go back in the past, it happened already so there’s no use for such a bitter drama. Maybe I did this to lessen the burden and pain and sadness I am feeling from the past few days. This is very random, but it helped me a lot.

Thank you for having time reading these sentiments and I hope in a way or another, you’ll find answers to the same thoughts as my questions. Have a good day and stay healthy!