Posted in Soul Searching

The Little Things

No one can save me but me. I know that now. I will just bake cookies tonight. I’m done giving shit. Done caring. Done being concerned. Done hurting.

They say, do what makes you happy. And little things make me happy. So I made some list. And I’d start number 1 tonight.

1. Bake cookies.

2. Go to the ocean.

3. Watch a movie.

4. Buy that burger!!!!

5. Practice a new song.

6. Visit Enchanted Kingdom.

7. Sunflowers, sunset, rainbows, shells.

8. Cook food!

9. Eat all you cook.

10. Sleepover with cousins!

11. TRAVEL MORE. Soul search and do it all!
Happiness is a choice, and I’m choosing mine now. 

Posted in Soul Searching


I know the feeling. It’s not new to me. It is that feeling when you’re done giving shit. It’s not good, it’s not bad. It just feels, empty.

Part of me wants it. The so much hurting. I’m not good at it to be honest. By people leaving me – those who I count on. Those I trust. Those I care about. Those I love. Pffft! All in my head.

So I’ll watch when you go. I will watch when you push me away. I will keep on watching. Because after that, I would feel empty. And emptiness is not a new thing.

It’s not good, it’s not bad. It just feels, empty.

~nadia czarina mae 5/17/17 

Posted in Broken, Soul Searching

Not Again 😞

My body is still shaking. And I am really, really scared inside. My mind has too many thoughts. But this time, I didn’t cry. I hope I did so I could release some of the tension but I didn’t cry.

Yesterday, the car that I bought for myself as a birthday present was already delivered to us. I’ve been waiting for it the whole time. Yesterday was the happiest day. Do I usually drive? Nope. Do I know how to drive? Yes, but still in the process of learning.

And today, I did bump the car at our neighbor’s gate. My newly bought car. My dad is with me, he would teach me again on how to drive and familiarize myself with the car. We didn’t get hurt. 

But the car? It’s awful that it is new. I already put dents, scratches and removed painting at the lower portion of the front hood. 

My heart was racing after the crash. Dad was furious. I am really, really scared. I ran to the kitched and prepared hot water, trying to minimize the dents as what we’ve seen in the internet. It did help. But the scratches & removed painting wouldn’t be much resolved.

And now, Dad & my brother brought the car to the mechanic. It wasn’t intentional, I swear I should have stepped on the break, but I did on the accelerator. And that car is a Manual Transmission. I should have bought the Automatic Transmission… 

but, it is there and I couldn’t do anything about it but to face it and pay the damages I made. Besides, it is mine. I will pay for it no matter what. 

I hope I could get over it as soon as possible and will be able to hold the steering wheel again. I really hope I do. And I hope I could cry over it. But writing this down helped me. It sucks.

And oh, I should have posted a better writing about dream come true- of having a car on my own. And summing up my birthday celebration. All of it was good. 
But I’m the worst!

Posted in Soul Searching

Because Love Is…

Spontaneous, kind, honest, natural, forgiving, understanding, gentle, warm…

If it’s not working, maybe it isn’t love. Burdened? Scared? ? Then let go. Love isn’t forced. Love isn’t being asked for. Love is being given, without anything in return.

So if it isn’t working, then don’t think of the “love” being wasted. Maybe it’s a sudden overwhelming feelings, but believe, it’s not love after all.

Been there, done that. Enough of the self loathing. 

Because love is spontaneous, kind, honest, natural, forgiving, understanding, gentle, warm. And I hundred percent believe that it is what it is. 


Posted in self

Vitamin Sea

No, I am not your definition of sexy. But yes, I love my body. Not ashamed of my shape. Why should I? It doesn’t define me as a person anyway. 

Posted in Broken

Rough Road

No. I’m not okay. And I don’t need to be understood now, I’m tired of searching for it. People have a hard time understanding me, I know that. Can’t help it, I feel alone. 

It’s not okay. It feels terrible. It’s freaking sad. I wish I could do something about it. Yes, I feel alone. And I swear I am making ways to fight up. Just sometimes I run out of bullets…

So let me write it down in here. Let me speak, hear me out. Don’t criticize. I need to vent out. I feel like exploding. My real friends are busy, and I don’t like to ask them for another nonesense emotional breakdown. I don’t talk about emotional stuff with Mom. Yes, pathetic. I feel alone. 

I thought I will get used to that feeling, of being alone. But sometimes, it’s good to have someone who you can share your thoughts with. Someone who will listen. Someone who will care. Pffft. Nonesense.

I wish for more colors tomorrow.