Every pain. Every tear. Every heartache. Love drained me out.
Because this heart grew tired.
And broken. Torn. Shattered.
Over and over again.
Because I was told I am special.
And loved. Nothing else. Period.
Where are you?
I have no other option here. Suicide is not something that would kick in me and trigger me. Never in my life. So I suppose, this is what I am left with- just to live.
Thoughts in my head are endless. For the last days I had nonstop heartaches and heartbreaks written raw every fucking time. I turned my page to private so the people who happened to hit the follow button won’t be upset with my ugly writings. I don’t want to drag anyone in same misery, I had to cope up on my own.
And you know what’s the most painful part? It’s the fact that I tried to reach out to people who always told me “I’d be here when you need me”, but no, they don’t. They don’t want to hear your pain, they don’t need to comfort your broken soul. These people. These I call my friends. Where were they when I needed them most?
No where. So I had to keep going and live my life, on my own. Just the holes of my nose above the water.
I needed the comfort. I needed the helping hand. I needed the hugs. I needed my friends. Then I came to the point, do I even have one? Question that I don’t want to answer.
I don’t need anyone anymore. Because that is living. And living it will be even if I am alone.
I don’t have the right to miss you right now but it’s killing me. I don’t know why. It’s like, my ears are itching to hear you laugh and talk for hours. And those eyes, they always hold me captive. I don’t know. But for that small span of time, I felt the connection. It was awkward at first and until the last day, but I know I liked the feeling. Of your scent, of your wavy blond hair, of your imperfect set of teeth but hey, those were pretty good on you. And the way you turn red every time you blush cause you were laughing so hard? That I guess is what I’m missing right now. It was a short period of time. Very short. And for those days, 3 nights in a row we set your itinerary so you could spend some more time in my hometown? It was something else.
And last night, when you closed the gate and told me “I’ll see you again, soon”, it made me happy for no reasons. I know the possibility is very small, but still, there’s a very little chance so I’m holding into it.
For now, I won’t say goodbye. I know I will see you soon. Till next time. And I hope it won’t be that awkward anymore.
Pfft. You did. Your lies. You said I am special, said you need me, said you love me. All of it was your lie. All of it I know would linger in just a matter of few weeks, then I know you’d be gone. Again and again.
You told me I’m beautiful, that you like my smiles. That you want to be the reason why it shows up. Told me I’m too good for you. Well I am, but it doesn’t matter… all because of your lies.
And the worst thing I did is to say I LOVE YOU TOO in your fake I Love Yous. Every. Fucking. Time. In all different languages I know, I said I love you. Because it’s real, because I do. But in the end, you did lie, telling me nothing but your coldness and irritation.
I find no reason to think of you anymore. But why the hell does it still come and go from time to time? Ridiculous!
Of all the relationships to give up and forget, why is friendship the hardest? Why does it hurt so much, a lot worse than any romantic kind of love? Why is it terrifying?
I don’t know, or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m now worth their time. Maybe I am not good enough. And it hurts to think that way. I felt betrayed.
Or maybe… it’s just all in my head. Maybe our friendship does not mean a thing for you. Maybe you forget it. Maybe you don’t but just chose not to keep it.
Why is it hard to let go of a friend?